Death Note : The Real Story
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: Light's retarded, Kiyomi's a b-word, L is useless, and Mello gets killed off immediately. One giant spoof of the beloved series, with favorite scenes including Light's death. Enjoy. ;D


Death Note : The Real Story

DISCLAIMER : _I own no characters, or Bitch by Meridith Brooks. And I have nothing against anything; it's just a fanfic. So...enjoy. ;D_

* * *

(The Shimigami)

It was a regular day in the year of 2003 in the country that was called Japan (or Nippon, if you actually lived there). Things were cool. Things were dandy.

Seventeen year old Light Yagami was walking back from wherever he came from earlier. He was a bright, intelligent student with zero social skills. His dad worked all day in the police arresting and drinking small amounts of vodka. His mom spent her time reading dictionaries from 1974, and his sister, Sayu, would spend her days partying like a rockstar and failing her classes on purpose.

So, even though his family was majorly screwed up in the head, Light seemed pretty sane compared to the others.

Or so we thought.

As Light was about to cross the street, he spotted a notebook laying on the sidewalk. Normally a person wouldn't want to take a notebook due to theft reasons, but Light, like the intelligent idiot he is, picked up the notebook and looked at it with interest.

The notebook was a beautifully hand-crafted...notebook. Painted entirely black, with pink letters spelling out Death Note. He sweatdropped. " Dude...is this some kind of voodoo or something ? Idk. "

He paged through the notebook. " Ooh, lined paper ! We _never_ get that ! We only get printer and construction paper. I made a funny hat in math class ! It was triangular ! "

Light let out a small laugh as he read the first note of the Death Note.

_Whosever name is written in this book shall die without question or theory. We're a pretty badass brutal force._

" HA ! That's a load of bull ! " Light cried.

" Yeah, but we stick with it. Nobody wants to write more rules. It's gay. "

Light turned around to find a thing hovering over him with bulgy eyes and cavity-stricken teeth. He screamed at the thing. " What the hell are you supposed to be ?! Casper ?! "

The thing huffed. " I am not a ghost. I'm Ryuk. I'm a shimigami. "

" A what ? "

" A shimigami. "

" Uh, could you spell that out for me ? "

Ryuk facefaulted. " Aren't you supposed to be smart or something like that, Yagami ? "

Light scoffed. " Of course ! In fact, I am in advanced classes ! "

" Really ? "

" Yeah ! We're just learning how to multiply ! "

" _Yeah_...anyway. You picked up the Death Note, so now, it's yours. "

" But I don't want it ! "

The shimigami huffed. " Well, that's too damn bad. I'm not a charity, damn it ! Now, you could either write names in there and make them die, or I will flush your head down the toilet ! "

" Awww. Okay. "

* * *

(Learning the Rules)

Light opened the notebook and read the next rule of the Death Note.

_This note will not take effect unless you know a person's name and face. We have to put great emphasize on the that, or things will turn into another Civil War._

" So...I can kill anybody I want to ? Sweet. "

He took out a pen and started thinking. " Let's see...who should I kill first ? Oh ! That little kindergartener that threw his diapers at me ! _HE MUST PAY ! "_

_Suziko Takanawa -_ **_DIE !_**

Light grinned. " That's hella cool ! Seriously ! "

" Hella ? _Hella ?!_ What are you, ghetto ?! "

" Eyyy, it's Ryuk ! You were right ! This magic notebook really works ! "

Ryuk shook his head. " Man, I knew I should've went to another Asian country, but _nooooo._ Everyone said that Japan was_ smart._ It's dumber than America ! "

" Whatev. "

" So...what are you going to do ? "

" Well, first, I'm gonna make some toast. "

" Yeah... "

" And then I guess I'll kill anyone that displeases me, starting with Deidara. He stole my waffles ! "

O.o " Yeah... "

**" FOOD FOR ALL ! "**

-.- " Psycho. "

* * *

(Kira)

" Lookie here, Ryuk ! Lookie, lookie, _**LOOKIE ! "**_

Ryuk sighed as he looked at Light. " Dude, I am not a flippin' babysitter. Piss off, why don't you ?! "

Light choked back a sob as he pointed to the computer. " See ? I'm Kira ! Isn't that coolio ? "

" No, it is not coolio ! I don't care ! "

" Ooh ! I got an e-mail ! "

The seventeen year old clapped his hands as he checked his e-mail.

_Kira,_

_I don't know who you are, but I reeeeally don't care. I'm gonna make you my new obsession object ! ;D_

_L_

Light gasped. " It's L ! He's my second hated letter of the alphabet ! I must stop him before he reveals my secret identity. But...who is he ? "

Ryuk shrugged. " Eh. I don't care. You're a retarded pissant, Yagami. "

* * *

(L and the Monopoly Man)

Soichiro Yagami and his cronies gawked wide-eyed at the corpses of Raye Penber and his suicidal fiance, and then back at the guy who looked like the Monopoly man, otherwise known as Watari.

" Would anybody like some scones ? " Watari asked in a sophisticated English accent.

Mogi raised his hand. " Yeah. I love bread. "

" Okles ! L will be with you shortly ! "

The men stood there for quite a while until L showed up in the room. He had dark circles under his eyes, black eyes, and messy black hair. " Yo ! I'm L. I haven't slept for three days because I'm on a sugar high. "

Watari bowed. " Would you like some scones, L ? "

L sighed. " Monopoly Man, do you really think of me as a bread-obsessed junkie ? " He crept closer. " I'll take three dozen, " he said in a loud whisper.

" Yes, Sir ! "

He scurried away and Soichiro scratched his head. " So, are you L or am I wasted ? "

" A little bit of both, " L replied. " Anyway, I had to bring this rodent in, because he ruined the script and got all emo because Mello just _had_ to screw up the entire plotline and get killed off ! "

Near shuffled in and sucked sugar from a straw. " Yah, hi. "

Mogi sweatdropped. " Mello died ? How the hell did that happen ? "

The white-haired boy shrugged. " One word - chocolate. "

* * *

(Flashback)

When Mello gazed at the pile of dog crap in the middle of the road, his eyes popped out to a new level. **_" CHOCOLAAAAATE ! "_**

He raced to the pile of dung, scooped a piece up, and immediately was hit by a semi, sending blood and guts to the windshield. The driver grinned. " I told you, Mello. It was either being my Disneyland bitch or death. _MWAHAHAHAHA ! "_

As the semi drove away, a piece of paper fluttered out from the window with one word. Four little letters.

Matt.

* * *

Everyone sweatdropped. L fell to the floor immediately and started to snore. Near sighed. " Okay, douches. Since L is incompetent and can't do one thing right, we're going to throw him in the dumpster, okay ? "

Several nods. Near grinned. " L Dumpster ! "

**L DUMPSTER'D !**  
(Misa)

* * *

Light paced back and forth nervously as night crept upon him. " Where is that blonde hooker ?! Ohhh...right. Ryuk shot her. So funny. "

* * *

(Solitary Insanity)

Aizawa sweatdropped as the captive hit his head against the wall repeatedly. He turned to Mogi. " Do you think he's okay ? "

Mogi shook his head. " I give him another three days. "

" Right. "

The two men walked out of the outer room. The clock ticked at a steady rate.

Meanwhile, Light was going crazy at twice that rate.

_**" WHERE'S MY PONY ?! "**_ he demanded. _**" SOMEONE PROMISED ME A FLIPPIN' PONY ! "**_

He grunted and kicked against the wall as the straps did their job. " Why did I sell my soul to that paranoid, hormonal, bitchy shimigami, Rem ?! " he screamed. " This isn't worth it ! I want my 250 dollars and my yellow marshmallow Peeps back ! "

Ryuk just stood there, munching on an apple core as he looked at the former Death Note holder. " What a retarded douche. Next time we have another series like this, I'm going to Singapore. "

Rem nodded. " Yeah. I can see why you want to do that. I was actually asked if I was a youma from Sailor Moon !_ So_ offensive. "

" Yeah. Want a Peep ? "

" Totally. "

* * *

(I'm A Bitch)

Light looked at Kiyomi Takada as he face curled up into a small grin. " Oh, Kiyomi. You're the only one that understands my smartness. You're the only one that agrees with me that 7+3 equals 25. "

_I'm a bitch,  
I'm a woman,  
I'm a lover..._

" Uh, why is the Bitch Song by Meridith Brooks playing ? " Light asked.

Kiyomi glared at Light. " Uh, because I _am _a bitch. I'm a Republican and will vote for the white-haired old guy come November 2008. "

O.O " Isn't this Japan, though ?... "

**" SHUT UP ! "**

" You're scaring me. I think I'm gonna piss my pants. I'm not toilet-trained. "

The black-haired woman sighed as she wrapped her arms around Light's neck. " Oh, Kira. You need a suit, a tie, some smexy glasses. Oh, and I want four to seven children. They make good minikillers. "

_**" WHO THE HELL IS KIRA ?! "**_

Kiyomi sweatdropped. " You. "

" Oh, yeah... "

" Wow. Kira, you're a ditz. "

Light's grin turned into a fast frown. " Wow, Kiyomi. Look at the time. I'm getting tired. You'll have to go now. "

T.T " It's four-thirty in the afternoon. "

" Yeah, and I'm cranky. Very cranky. "

Kiyomi threw her cup of champagne at Light. " Fine, then ! I don't care ! I'm going to go home and smash my guitar against the toilet ! "

She stormed out of the room in a rage. Light turned to Ryuk and sweatdropped. " Wow. That pretty lady had anger issues. What a _bitch._ "

" Wow. I can't believe you know any cursing words. It's a miracle ! "

" Yeah. _NOW LET'S KILL NEAR ! "_

-.- " We can't. "

" Oh. Well..._LET'S KILL KIYOMI ! "_

:D " _OKAY ! "_

* * *

(Near's Plan)

Near sat at the head of the table with two red crayons and an Elmo doll in his hands. " Okay, everyone. By now, we already know that Yagami is Kira. It's a no-brainer, except to Ryuzaki, who filled our coffee pot with fruit punch and destroyed it ! "

L was hunched in the corner, whistling innocently. The white-haired boy scowled at him as he continued. " Anyway, Mello was killed off again, Aizawa's suffering from food poisoning, Mogi has gonnorhea, and that lesbian helper who was keeping an eye on Miss Takada has a sudden case of violent diarrhea, so I will like to say, _**WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL OF YOU ?! I'M AMERICAN, AND I'M MORE INTELLIGENT THAN THE FOUR OF YOU COMBINED ! "**_

" Want some scones, Mr. Rivers ? "

" _**NO, I DON'T, DEAD MONOPOLY MAN ! "**_ Near screeched, throwing his glass of fruit punch at the corpse of Watari.

Matsuda shuffled in his place. " Mr. Near, I'm not in trouble, am I ? "

Near's eyes softened as he patted Matsuda on the head. " Nope. Matsuda's a good boy. He's _smart._ "

" Ohhh, thank you, Mr. Near ! "

" Whatev. Anyway, we need a plan to dispose of Yagami once and for all. He's stupid, but still, we need a plan. A smart plan.

Aizawa raised a hand. " Could we burn him ? "

_**" NO, WE CANNOT BURN HIM !**_ " Near snapped.

" Nuke him ? "

_**" GOTDAMN IT, AIZAWA ! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ! "**_

Aizawa meekly nodded as he lowered his head. " Sorry. "

Near shook his head. " My blood sugar's low. I'm very cranky. Still, what's our plan ? We need a plan. "

" I can help you with that. "

Everyone turned around to the other direction. Near turned on a flashlight to reveal Ryuk with crossed arms. The shimigami grinned evilly. " Yagami must die. He killed DeiDei. "

" So...you have a plan ? "

" Ohhh, yeah. "

* * *

(Light's Death)

" So...what pretty lights did you want to show me ? "

" Well..."

In a flash, Ryuk pushed Light into a bus, sending him to his death. Near gave a broad grin. " Sweet. "

" Okay, let's end this now ! _SINGAPORE, AHOY ! "_

-shimigami poof!-

And that was the real story of the Death Note.

End


End file.
